Missing the Action
by porcupineridge
Summary: Serena finds Bernie mulling over her past and feels she wants to help the troubled former army-medic. Explores Bernie and Alex's relationship. TW: PTSD.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Holby City FF, but I love Bernie with a passion so couldn't help but start writing this!**

Ms Berenice Wolfe inhaled deeply on her cigarette as she sat alone on the bench in the peace garden, light spots of rain falling around her. It had been a tough and challenging shift – no one could argue with that – but she couldn't help but feel that she could have coped with it a bit better. It was trauma after all. This was her bread and butter. It was what she did. However, as with all trauma cases, there was no guarantee. The fine line between life and death was ever present, sometimes to the point of haunting her every move. The divorce was taking its toll on her personally and, as hard as she tried to keep her personal and professional life separate, they couldn't help but become intertwined occasionally.

The latest blow of Marcus encouraging the kids to take sides and write statements against her had hit her harder than she cared to admit. As she inhaled deeply again, she recalled the moment she'd opened the envelope and cautiously unfolded the official-looking headed paper. As she'd quickly read through the content she'd felt her stomach drop and her heart take a leap inside her chest: how dare Marcus encourage her children to do this to her. She knew that she'd not been there as much as some mothers during her children's early years but she'd been there as much as her job would allow. Surely some kids would be proud that their parent was not at home because they were engaged in active service in a war zone?

Admittedly she'd always been different to all of the other mums at the school gate waiting at picking-up time. For a start, she wasn't there every day – maybe for a fortnight every six months or so when she was back on R and R. Secondly, she wasn't there chatting about how the cleaner had forgotten to bleach the en-suite toilet or the challenge of ensuring the perfect rise in a Victoria sponge. She had, however, been ready to leap into action when one of the infants had an anaphylactic reaction to a wasp sting in the playground and she'd been the first to assist when one of the year 3 children had an asthma attack as the morning school bell had rung. She'd always known that her career had come first, but then, she was a trauma medic and her comrades needed her. After all, her children had Marcus at home pandering to their ever whim. She knew that he spoilt them rotten whilst she was on tour. Her tours had been long and arduous; made longer by the fact she was the most effective medic they had and her presence was sorely missed when she wasn't there. Not helped by the fact that Bernie could not say no to the job. After all, the army was her life; it was what she was born her do. Her father, her grandfather and her great-grandfather had all fought for king and country; the army was in her blood and she wasn't about to let the side down.

She'd known that every time she'd come back from tour, or home for a few weeks, that her children were becoming increasingly distant. Latterly she'd put it down to the fact that they were growing older and no longer needed mothering; they had their own lives and their own independence. Initially she'd put it down to the fact that Marcus was there all the time and she was the distant, absent parent. After all, he was the one doing the weekly homework, taking them to cubs, dance lessons and swimming galas. She always compared herself with her male comrades who spoke of the same issues when they returned home to their wives after sending time being posted to Germany, Canada or beyond. It was always difficult to try to fit into the routine of children's structured activities when you'd spent the past six months living and breathing as part of a unit, part of something so communal.

Marcus had always worked in the NHS. He'd never been inspired by the call of the armed services despite Bernie's regular insistence. He'd always felt safer working reasonably regular hours, with a reasonably regular team. Whilst she'd been away witnessing life and death on the front line, he'd been steadily working his way up the NHS ladder. He felt safe with regular, scheduled operations. He had a steady team working with him on his scheduled and elective operations. The predictability of his days meant that he could effectively work his career around being there for his children the best he could. He'd been to every single sports day and nativity that both Charlotte and Cameron had participated in. The school office always expected his ticket request with regular anticipation – one seat, preferably towards the front, as close to the centre as possible. He always wrote the same on every single application form for every school play that he came to watch. The office staff couldn't help but wonder where the children's mother was; they spoke of her often enough but very few staff at the school had ever seen her in the flesh.

Bernie's hand shook as she lifted her cigarette to her mouth to take another drag. She shivered as she pulled her coat tighter around her body as the fine rain fell persistently and more heavily around her. Leaning back, she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She'd always known that the transition to civilian life would never be without its challenges but what she was experiencing at the moment was something else entirely. Of course, initially it wasn't helped by her struggling to fit in as part of a team, and more latterly by the news of her secret relationship with a fellow medic whilst on active service being spread round the hospital quicker than an outbreak of the norovirus. As a single tear escaped from one eye before running down her cheek, she couldn't even be bothered to brush it away.

"Bernie," came the concerned voice as she heard footsteps come hurriedly over towards her. "What are you doing sitting here in the rain?" Serena paused, putting one hand on the other woman's shoulder, "you're absolutely soaked!"

"I, I, I'm fine," Bernie stuttered hesitantly, "just tired and had a difficult day." Serena couldn't help but notice that Bernie's voice seemed huskier and slower than usual. Bernie leaned forward and steadied her head on her hand, resting her elbow on her knee. Serena sat down beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders before pulling her closer.

"How about we get you home and warmed up a bit, you're freezing," Serena said gently, "you can't stay here," she added as she felt Bernie begin to shake her head slightly. Gently, Serena helped the shivering blonde to her feet and together they made their way to Serena's car. The drive to Serena's house was made in near silence as Serena focused on the road ahead and Bernie fixed her stare out of the window. Pulling up on the drive, Serena glanced over to Bernie and reached over before gently taking her hand.

"Come on you, where's that stiff upper lip? That great British reserve? There's not much that rocks the steady nerve of Major Wolfe." Bernie glanced up at Serena and gave her a small but genuine smile. "Let's get you inside and warmed up then we can talk later if you're up for it." Serena said softly to the shivering and soaking blonde who sat beside her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you Twiglet90 for the review. I've changed where I'm going with this story, I think. I want to explore Bernie and Alex's relationship more - hope I manage to do this OK!**

 **TW: PTSD**

 **Quotes (in bold italics) are from Holby City - not mine.**

Chapter 2

The sound of bullets woke her from the fitful slumber that she had decided to call sleep. Deep inside she knew that it was memories and flashbacks to her days in active service. However, her civilian head told her that she should be coping with such things in a way that others wouldn't notice. She had a feeling that the PTSD wouldn't go away of its own accord – but she could still live in hope.

She woke up yet again finding herself drenched in sweat and her breathing fast and shallow. She'd known that leaving the army wouldn't be easy but she hasn't anticipated it being this hard. To be fair, the divorce was an unexpected interference. But the rest of it was a whole different kettle of fish entirely.

Since discovering the bravery she needed and asking Marcus for a divorce, Bernie had finally been able to turn to look at the next phase of her life.

She loved Alex and the relationship they'd had whilst out in Afghanistan had been the most liberating she'd experienced in her whole lifetime. She loved the fact that they had both kept the best secret in the whole world; the fact that they loved each other so dearly and had a bond that could never be broken. If she had to be honest, her biggest regret was that the IED hitting had led to her premature journey back home and a complete change to the life she knew and loved.

As she lay back in bed in her newly occupied flat, she thought of nothing but Alex. After she'd seen her back at the hospital and in a civilian role, Bernie had realised just how much the short-haired medic had meant to her. It broke her heart each time she remembered the moment when Alex had kissed her on the check for the final time, and Bernie had held onto her hand for as long as possible – prolonging the interaction as if to etch it upon her mind forever more. She'd always thought that Alex would be the one to come after her, no matter what. Never had she envisaged that it would be Alex who would be issuing the ultimatum.

 ** _When you've sorted your life out – come and find me._**

The words rumbled round and round in her head. Time and time again she heard them. Alex's patient but slightly exasperated tone as she realised that she was letting go of everything she truly loved and, potentially, the future that she'd always dreamed off.

 ** _You've already broken my heart once, and I just can't go through that again, I really can't._**

It pained Bernie when she thought back to that day when she'd dragged Alex into the empty theatre. Alex was so strong and in control; everything Bernie didn't feel at the minute.

Deep down, Bernie admired Alex for being so strong. She herself knew she couldn't be that strong. Ultimately that was why she'd ended up staying in the UK after being flown back after the IED. She'd felt guilty; felt she had to leave the army. For Marcus. For her children. In order to make herself feel like she was doing the right thing.

 ** _Don't live your life to please other people._**

If only she could take her own advice now and again. She'd left the army to please Marcus and the kids, and now neither were talking to her. She'd left everything she'd known and loved, and lost her best friend and lover in the process.

She thought back to when her and Alex had first met. They had been posted together in the same field hospital and had the unfortunate experience of two dominant personalities working in the same theatre. For all her strengths, and the fact that was a gifted trauma surgeon, Bernie did not suffer fools gladly. Nor did she tolerate anyone who was prepared to confront her in her theatre. Alex had done just that. Five minutes after meeting the women, Bernie had categorially decided that they had absolutely nothing in common and they would remain life-long enemies.

And then something magical had happened. They'd both been present at a particularly traumatic emergency incident involving a close colleague and an IED. After they'd operated and saved the poor chap the best they could, they'd shared a drink in Bernie's quarters. Being a Major had its perks, after all. Things had progressed as neither of them had expected. Bernie had felt particularly relaxed and open, and she had been more than happy to follow Alex's lead. The first time they'd tentatively held hands was a monumentus milestone as they had both felt the passion that flowed through their bodies as they made that connection. As their fingers had intertwined, it was the start of something new and special; something Bernie had never wanted to let go of.

As she thought back to the first time that they'd kissed, she felt her heart skip a beat. She loved Alex. She knew that but at the moment she just wasn't quite brave enough to make the commitment that she needed to.

Alex made her feel whole. Complete. Something that Marcus had never been able been able to do – despite 25 years of marriage. Deep down she loved Alex for this, but still she felt nervous. Admitting that you were in love with a fellow comrade was a big deal. During her time in active service, she had never been sure if she was ready to take the next step. But now, as she adjusted to civilian life, maybe she was ready. She just hoped that it wasn't too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Many thanks for the reviews - they are much appreciated and encourage me to keep writing!**

 **I'm not sure if the rating for this chapter should be changed to 'M'. So, just a warning that whilst it's not too extreme, I guess it might not be everyone's cup of tea.**

Chapter 3

The sound of bullets echoed all around them. Bernie kept a steady nerve as she struggled to maintain the airway of the injured soldier that lay before her. It was at this point that she felt grateful for the support that Alex was able to give her: never contradicting or questioning a decision that she made, and always offering her support. This was a big shift from the initial relationship they'd had which was largely built on egos and who had the biggest. Something had happened about 6 weeks after they'd first met: there was nothing like and life and death situation to put discrepancies to one side and work as a team. That was the trouble with having two strong and talented personalities working alongside each other; they were bound to clash more than would get along. And then, as if something magical had happened, they had both realised how much working together had meant to them and after that all operations were so much easier as they worked together as a team, rather than fighting for the position of top dog. This had coincided with the exploration of their relationship, beginning with Bernie asking Alex back to hers for a glass of wine and ending with Alex tenderly taking Bernie's hand and caressing it with so much love and affection that Bernie felt as if her heart might melt at that moment.

They had to work hard to keep their newly blossoming relationship a secret to the rest of the world. There was nothing that Alex wanted more than to take her lover into her arms and caress her until her hearts content. She knew, however, that it was very much not allowed and if she still wanted to see Bernie as she did then she'd have to be discreet, to say the least.

It was one hot evening after a particularly trying day that Alex mostly remembered. Bernie had been out serving soldiers injured by IEDs for the better part of the day whilst Alex had been held up back at the base. Alex caught a glimpse of Bernie as she exited the armoured land rover and made her way back to her quarters. The sight of her tired and worn after a hard day's work was particularly endearing to Alex; she wanted nothing more to be able to scoop her up in her arms and take any pain and stress away.

Tentatively, Alex knocked on the door to Bernie's room. Part of her wondered what on earth she was doing whilst the other part of her wanted nothing more than Bernie Wolfe to be hers, and hers alone.

"Come," said the tired voice from the other side of the door.

Alex pushed down the handle and gently eased the door open.

"I just wondered if you wanted some company?" she glanced at Bernie, who had her head in her hands whilst sat at her incredibly untidy desk which occupied the corner of her room.

"I have a huge amount of paperwork which I should really get done by tomorrow if I'm to keep on top of things,"

"I have whiskey," came the soft voice from the corner of the room.

"Well, I didn't realise that you'd be such a bad influence." Bernie's husky response was everything that Alex wanted to hear.

"And I think that you could do with the distraction," Alex said as she placed both hands on Bernie's shoulders and began to caress them gently.

Bernie relaxed into Alex's gentle touch – all thoughts of catching up on her paperwork were diminishing rapidly.

As Alex continued to gently massage Bernie's shoulders, she found a knot deep within the muscle which her thumb became drawn to as it gently tried to work it out – gradually increasing the pressure as Bernie's facial expressions showed her that she'd reached the right spot.

The more Alex massaged Bernie's tired and worn muscles, the more she relaxed. After a while, Bernie turned around slowly and reached her hands up towards Alex's face. She was desperate to touch her; desperate to give her the pleasure that she was giving her.

"So, how about that whiskey?" Alex asked, as she reached for the bottle that she'd previously abandoned.

"Trying to lead me astray Captain Dawson?" Bernie's slightly bashful, lop-sided grin made Alex feel weak at the knees. "I'll get some glasses," she added hastily, before Alex could comment.

They sat in silence for a short while, both enjoying the burn of the whiskey as it slipped down their throats. They sat in a blissful stillness reflecting to themselves on the busy and stressful days that they'd both had. It had been unusual in the fact that they'd been separated for the day; usually they were partnered together as together they were a formidable, and most effective team.

"I missed you today." Alex was the first to break the silence. As she spoke, she reached out and took Bernie's hand in her own and gave it a gentle and loving squeeze.

"I missed you too," Bernie replied as her thoughts took her back to the anaesthetist that she'd had the misfortune of working with all day. Not only had he been quite self-opinionated, he's also been a male chauvinist pig, for want of a better description. All day long he'd constantly commented and picked holes in Bernie's work. She'd held her tongue and remained focused on her work; remaining confident in her abilities as an excellent trauma surgeon. Never did she let herself rise to the bait. This particularly trying day had, however, taken it out of her somewhat. Never did she feel this drained after a day operating with Alex as her anaesthetist.

"Personal or professional?" asked Alex, as if reading Bernie's thoughts.

"Both," Bernie replied, "in equal measures." She gave Alex a rueful smile as she pulled Alex towards her and took her in her arms. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone," Bernie said, before kissing Alex gently on the lips.

"Indeed you don't, Major Wolfe," Alex chided as she returned Berne's kiss with one slightly deeper and with more passion, hopefully making up for the fact that been without each other all day.

As their kiss intensified, Alex found her hands exploring Bernie's fit and muscular body with an increasing confidence and intensity. Her hands found the hem of Bernie's RAMC regulation issue t-shirt and deftly slid underneath it as she pulled the remainder from the waistband of Bernie's trousers. Gently, her hands caressed Bernie's back and gradually moved up towards her shoulders. As Bernie pushed her tongue further into her mouth, Alex brought her hands around to Bernie's front and gently but firmly took both breasts into her hands. She felt Bernie gasp slightly before leaning in more to deepen the kiss. As she gently squeezed Bernie's breasts beneath her bra, she felt Bernie pull her closer to her and began to grind her hips against Alex's body – giving her the friction is craved and needed.

It didn't take long before Bernie's hands began exploring Alex's equally fit and toned body. Carefully she slid her hand up and under her t-shirt and felt the strong and well-defined muscles of her back. Tongues intertwined as the passion became more intense and as Alex felt Bernie's hands make their way into her bra to take her breasts in both hands she began to feel herself letting go.

A sudden loud noise from outside pulled them apart in an instance, both of them taking up their respective whiskey glasses and positions ensuring they were maintaining an appropriate distance before the door was suddenly flung open.

"Have you not heard of knocking and seeking permission, Captain Smith?" Bernie barked as the aforementioned Captain burst through the door to Bernie's quarters.

"Sorry Major, apologies, the Sergeant-Major has sent me. You're needed right away…..it's an emergency."

"It always is," muttered Bernie under her breath. "Any information?" she asked in a louder, more assertive voice.

By the time Bernie returned to her quarters, Alex was long gone. It had been several hours and, thanks to her expertise and amazing skills as a surgeon, the solider had been saved.

The long day had taken its toll on Bernie and she was exhausted. On returning to her room the last thing she rally wanted was to make a trip to the communal showers but she knew it was something she should do. As she stepped into the shower, she felt the sand, dust and dirt of the day rushing away from her body. She was thankful that the showers were empty and she had the time and the space to think. She was absorbed in her own thoughts as she massaged the shampoo into her hair, eyes firmly shut, when she felt the unmistakably hand of someone gently caressing her body.

"I thought I might find you here," came the slightly seductive, but very familiar, voice.

"Hmmmmm, and it's not unwelcome," replied Bernie as she reached out for her lover. "Although, I don't fancy anyone else walking in on this."

"I've put an "Out of Order" sign on the door so hopefully we'll have a bit of time," replied Alex with a cheeky smile.

"Good thinking Captain Dawson," Bernie said as she reached towards Alex and gently placed a kiss upon her lips.

The stress of the day added to the intensity of the kiss and it wasn't long before Alex found her hands wandering further down Bernie's toned body. She gently caressed her bottom as the water from the shower ran down over Bernie's muscles. As the passion of the kiss intensified, Alex found her hands wandering between Bernie's legs. Bernie's groans only served to spur Alex on and find out what pleasured her girlfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: I think this chapter may need to be rated 'M'.**

 **Hope you like this - this might be the end. I'm a bit undecided.**

Chapter 4

Bernie Wolfe woke with a start yet again. Her sleeping patterns were beginning to return to something vaguely normal but were still erratic, at best. Reaching out to her bedside table, she grabbed her phone and pressed the home button to give her a better idea of time. 3:29am. Not ideal, but not the worst either. At best, she should be able to get another few hours' sleep before she needed to start her shift.

As she struggled to get back to sleep, she found her mind wandering back to her time in Afghanistan. Her tours had been long and arduous. But equally, they had been peppered with moments of love and joy. Moments that she'd never forget as long as she'd live. Moments with Alex when she'd felt like she was the most important and loved person in the whole world.

 **Alex**.

Part of her couldn't believe that she'd left her fighting for king and country as she'd taken the coward's way out and stayed back in the UK after she'd been flown back for treatment following the IED. Marcus had been so insistent and in the end she'd found herself giving in to his charms and his leverage of the kids needing her, so had stayed. No going back to Kabul. No going back to what she knew and loved. And definitely no going back to Alex.

 **Alex.**

She couldn't begin to understand how she felt about what she'd done. Obviously Alex had felt she'd had enough with the army and she'd left, and Bernie had no idea what she was doing now or where she might be.

As she thought back to what they'd had – she hated the IED attack with avengeance. It had, after all, been the reason why she'd so hastily been returned to the UK. She smiled slightly as she remembered the night before the IED had hit.

 _Alex had come by her quarters as she would so often do at the end of a long and challenging day. Unusually for her, this time Alex had come without alcohol._

 _"_ _Hey you," Alex began as she slowly approached Bernie, reaching her hands out towards her._

 _"_ _Captain Dawson," Bernie began as she reached out to take her hands and pull her gently towards her._

 _"_ _Alex is fine," replied Alex as she caressed Bernie's hands and then moved her hands to stroke Bernie's hair._

 _"_ _Indeed," Bernie mused as she pushed her nose into Alex's hair and sniffed hard, taking in her scent and relishing the fragrant tones of Alex's shampoo._

 _"_ _Good day?" Alex asked._

 _"_ _Not bad," replied Bernie as she'd reached out to place a gentle kiss on Alex's lips. "But not great either."_

 _"_ _Until now?" Alex asked with a hopeful tone to her voice._

 _"_ _Everything is always better when I see you," Bernie replied with a distinct amount of compassion in her voice._

 _"_ _Ditto," replied Alex as she kissed Bernie passionately on the lips._

 _Bernie leaned in and returned the kiss. It didn't take long for their hands to begin exploring each other's bodies with increasing urgency and passion. Alex tugged at Bernie's t-shirt, pulling it from where it was tucked into the waistband of her trousers and held in place by her regulation issue army belt. A sudden loud noise from outside caused Bernie to tense up and pull back from Alex; her expression similar to that of a rabbit caught in headlights._

 _"_ _It's ok," said Alex reassuringly, as she gently stroked Bernie's hair, encouraging her to relax again into her embrace._

 _"_ _I know; I just can't help..." Bernie began before she was cut off by Alex cupping her chin gently in her hands and placing another kiss upon her lips. "You know as well as I do that we just can't get caught – we have to be careful." Bernie finished when she finally managed to detach herself from Alex._

 _"_ _I know, I know," Alex looked deep into Bernie's eyes, before giving in and giving her another quick peck on the lips._

 _Bernie detached herself from Alex and strode purposefully towards the door. With one quick movement, she turned the lock thus preventing any unwanted interruptions._

 _"_ _You know that in itself will arise suspicion," Alex began, "you never lock your door as you're always on call and are always being summoned at some un-godly hour._

 _"_ _I have a migraine," Bernie replied. "I need peace and quiet, and most definitely no interruptions as they might hamper my recovery." The end of this sentence was accompanied by a conspiratorial wink as Bernie reached out to Alex and removed her RAMC t-shirt in one swift movement. Alex was slightly taken aback by Bernie's forwardness as she let herself be guided by the blonde, and be taken into her arms as Bernie's expert hands began exploring Alex's upper body with increasing urgency and desire. Alex moaned quietly with contentment and desire as Bernie's hands found their way into her bra and her fingers began to circle her now-erect nipples._

 _As Alex kissed Bernie harder and with more passion, she felt Bernie's hands move to the clasp of her bra and found it swiftly removed so that Bernie now had uninterrupted access to her breasts. While Bernie's gentle hands squeezed and massaged her breasts, Alex found her hands tugging at Bernie's t-shirt as she desperately tried to remove it. It wasn't long before they had both removed the remainder of each other's clothing and were experiencing something they never had before. They'd also been so reserved and careful; they'd never dared to be this adventurous before. Tonight felt like something had been set free inside them; they were free to show their unreserved passion and love for each other. Neither of them seemed to care of the consequences that could follow should they be caught. Just don't get caught._

 _As Bernie pushed a third finger into Alex she took a moment to watch the undeniable look of pleasure and happiness on her face. When she curled her fingers gently to give her lover the ultimate pleasure, she watched Alex intently as she arched her back and threw her head backwards, relishing in the amazing feeling that Bernie was providing. Alex's body shuddered as she came down from her climax; all the time being kissed and reassured by Bernie who seemed more relaxed and at peace than she had in a long time._

 _They'd laid beside each other that night, gently cuddling and caressing each other's bodies as the night wore on. For once, there was no emergency for Bernie to attend to: no interrupting knocks on the door demanding her unique and uncontested skills. They spent the whole night lying side by side in an intimate embrace that nothing could come between. Little did they know about what tomorrow would bring and the devastating consequences that it would have for both of them._

 **Please let me know what you think - reviews are always welcomed and appreciated.**


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